i knew my grandma would die eventually after her first stroke, and i knew it wouldn't be too far in the future.
i was sad and uncomfortable when my neighbor died from a disease.
i was mildly disturbed when my godmother's son's grandma died of old age.

i am as yet undefined after c.'s death.

i am helpless, angry, sad, indifferent, devastated, hopeless, reckless, irate, catatonic.

at times it's real, at times it's not, at times she's gone, at times she is very much alive to me.

i haven't been alone for four days. now i am. and i'm not dealing with it too well.
i don't want to be alone, not anymore, don't want to be all by myself, and at the same time i don't see the point. he dies, i die, we split, we're done, we're dead, there's hurt and anger and death, and what's the point. this is not a question because there won't be any answer satisfactory to me.
just be over and done with it. that's maybe the only helpful, realistic solution.

i mean: really, what's the point?