well, this is how it goes. not even a month ago i was telling you how i am seeing myself staying on my own (notice how i am not saying "alone") for the foreseeable future. just to make it perfectly clear: my current situation hasn't changed a bit. and still i find myself sitting on my couch on this very night and intermittently hoping to hear from a guy i met last saturday at my friends' wedding. we did not agree to do so, we did not discuss any potential reunions. in fact, there was nothing definitive enough to justify my current state of mind. except for what he said (sweet things -- bleargh). except for how he behaved (the day after the wedding). i am not misty-eyed, but i am also not naive. and i am not full of myself and don't tend to overestimate myself. he liked me. i really do believe that. but i also need to believe it because i need to feel to be able to rely on my own perception. i need to be able to trust my own judgment. for that reason alone i want him to contact me. also because i liked him, from what i remember. he was intriguing to me, which is among the best things i can say about someone i hardly know.
i can handle the emotional rejection; i've been preparing myself thorougly for that for years. what i'll find harder to do is maintaining my trust in myself. that's what's on the line for me here. that's what's making me anxious.
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